Sometimes a tragic event happens in life which rocks your world to the point where everyday existence seems like chaos. Eventually, no matter what, you have to get back going and start living again. You can’t let this ‘thing’ become an excuse to stop, or said tragedy event becomes even greater.
January 2015 was one of the hardest months in my life. My brother (sibling, co-conspirator, best friend) took his life. I never saw this coming, and I am still, in some ways, coming to grips with it. I am told, “You will never get over it. You will just learn how to deal with it and move on”. I hated those words at first, but now, I get it (sort of). Btw, this is a really harsh thing to say to a person who is waking through this… consider your words.
The number of people who attended my brother’s funeral was staggering. I only knew him as my brother, in the relationship that brothers share, but living in separate states, and different circles of friends, you don’t necessarily know the whole… ‘them’. I got to meet the person he was, through the stories of his friends, many of which have become good friends to me.
Needless to say, last year I was pretty well wrecked. Fortunatly I have a solid family, and I love what I do for a living (editing, graphics animation, sound, photography…). So, I really focused on my family, my work, and not much else.
My brother was a good guy. We loved many of the same things. We both have a love films which made you think a little. We loved a lot of the same music. He wrote and directed many short films, several of which won awards. He was part of a fantastic community of film buffs as well. He was a musician, and played with an Irish band in a legit Irish pubs, and music festivals. While we don’t have much Irish in us by blood, but we make up for it in heart. Like most sibling relationships, we always pissed each other off, but that’s how brothers are, right? That said, I really miss him a lot. Sláinte bro!
Most of the things I did for fun were put aside as nothing seemed like much fun (this blog included). The day he died, I was working on a new circuit board for the CNC. I was within a half hour from finishing soldering up the prototype when the call came. I have not touched the board since. I have not been able to listen to the music that was playing at the time either. There’s a lot of things like that which I haven’t been able to go near. While I am not a writer by nature, I do enjoy writing on here when I get the chance. I have done a few projects here and there, but nothing like my usual self. The past few months I have been trying to get myself back up to speed again. I can not and will not let his decision take the life out of me. It’s been hard to get to the point to say that without guilt.
While I enjoy writing, I enjoy ‘doing’ even more, and while I don’t update regularly, it’s generally because I am out and doing… well… ‘stuff’. I usually try to write in the slower times, or during long drives. One thing I have never really done on the blog, is write about any of my deeper projects while I am actually working on them. I usually wait till the end of the project, and then document it. But I have read a few other blogs where they were documenting their project as they went. I really liked this as you see the whole process, mistakes and all. If you have read anything on this blog, you know I am not afraid of mistakes, they are a part of creating. Well, I am a little afraid of mistakes. Mistakes suck… But important none the less. I have several huge projects which have been bubbling for many years which don’t have the first thing written about them, and they are really cool. If I don’t put it down somewhere, I’ll loose it, and I don’t want to loose these experiences. So… while perhaps they might be smaller posts, hopefully I will get more out there in the way of updates. I am also going to try to document several of these older larger projects (the ongoing type) and place them where they belong in the timeline of the blog, but I will link to them from the current time. My earlier life was full of thoughts that there will be time for this or that later. This has been shaken to the core, and the understanding that anyone can be gone in an instant it loud and clear in my mind. So, there’s no time to loose. Time to get busy.
Along these thoughts… To anyone dealing with depression, I am sorry. I never knew the depths of which my brother was going through. I wish I did. I still don’t understand how reaching out to your own brother, or anyone for help, is harder than taking your life, yet here we are. So… please hear me. If you are fighting this same thing. Talk to someone. You might feel like you are alone, but I assure you, you’re not. I know, or better said, -I have learned- that what you face is nearly impossible some days. It’s okay to have bad days. But even a bad day here is better than a day without you here. I’ll say this too… If you think that suicide is a way of ending the pain, it’s not. To be blunt, it just takes the pain, amplifies it, and distributes it across everyone who ever loved you. More, it instills the nagging questions of ‘why?’. There are no good answers which make things better. It’s just learning how to live with the missing life long companion. So… Please. Talk to someone.